i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I understand Curling. That high.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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