So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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