I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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