i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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