There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
