today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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