There is no way he is gay with that hair.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
