dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
