don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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