when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
