a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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