dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
