I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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