I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
