stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
