Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
