I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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