I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
