me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
