I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
