apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
