Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
