so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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