They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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