Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
