Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
