I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
