When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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