If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
