I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
