Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
