I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
