I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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