and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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