My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
