I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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