You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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