Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
