I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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