If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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