Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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