I'm passing your future prison.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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