he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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