I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He shit in the fireplace
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
