She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
