Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
