Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
