Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
