I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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