My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
